Missing the point.

Damn I really do not want to be friends anymore at all. I think we both served our purpose to one another and I’m at the point where I don’t want to be friends with someone who I can’t be myself with. I wish I could do it nicely but there is no nice way to say hey I think you’re cool but I never want to be around you again or have any interest in being in your life, that’s harsh and dramatic. But I’d prefer it to empty interactions I think I’m done I don’t like to be referred to in tweets or hidden messages. like grow up if you don’t like me or want to know me then dont. posting bad photos of me and worse captions is not even my territory. the irony in the caption says it all they’ll be 100 people at your door ready to live for you. I’m not one of them

ilibra season started off with me at boiler room then the emergency room now in a deep spell of depression. when will someone be sweet to me, all I want is sweetness.

I think to myself how could I have been friends with someone that I can’t even be honest with. I always add sticker, a rose tint and some gloss to the message. It never gets the truth out but some filtered version. I don’t think I wanna be friends. the relationship isnt helping me grow or become anything. It was one based on escapism. I could runaway for a few hours and live in a dream world or laugh about things and pretend to be critical about art. I’m starting to feel like anything now feels like an extension and or a booster. I’m starting to resent a lot. I’m starting to remember small details I shrugged off but hung around long enough to become stains. All I see are stains. I don’t see the good anymore. i don’t agree with anything you believe in. this sounds stupid but how could I be friends with someone with such bad taste in the things that matter most to me or better yet where was your support when I needed it? it was always elsewhere. One lesson I learned from one of my most toxic friendships to date is my milestones don’t mean shit to the wrong people. I won’t ever hold a space unless they see others do it they’ll do it but it’s never a given I’m never seen as a person but as someone who needs to work on themselves there’s too many similarities with these two people and I’m starting to blur them as one blob.

This morning a thought occurred to me, how leaving the hood is such a painful sacrifice and how unattainable it can be for most, the reality of leaving is so hard when the cards are stacked against you. So many people I knew are still there struggling trying to make it. I got lucky I had a way out but had I not, I would’ve tried doi g something drastic to acceleate the process.

I found out that this kid I knew from my sisters side of things passed away in

a tragic way it’s so sad to hear especially when he was on his way out, he was trying so hard to prove himself to be the person he wanted to be. He had a business he worked hard to get there and in a matter of moments it was gone. he wanted out. Its so shitty

how I ended up buying a Minolta after my hair consultation was unexpectedly delightful. I’m in a film cohort and we’re doing photo projects. I’m working on a photo shoot for an androgynous footwear designer. My secret weapon will be the film camera I’m also taking with me alongside the dslr I barely know how to use. If you told me that I’d have so many opportunities after going through what I did. I would’ve never imagined it.

i miss camping

I turned campy

Long Beach has become my second home

a good compliment on my new hour at moon glow makes me gleam

Things are kind of getting somewhere. I booked a real gig at a venue I’ve been wanting to dj at since I started this journey. I’m glad I’m doing it with someone I know and trust. Weve worked well in past live events and we both grew up together. If anyone were my actual peer it’d be him. So it only makes sense. It’s gonna be in highland park.I went there once with my work friends after a dizzying night pretending to be more than what was seen of me.

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I got my ticket to see Hausu one of favorite watches from the pandemic. it was absolutely cult and camp I’m going with Brooke. It should be an interesting screening although I’m not a fan of small theaters like the Los feliz one. The other day I saw la dolce vita in 35mm. after I edited my show I hopped on the train to catch it alone at 11 am. It was really fun. Cramped, packed and too depressing of a movie that I forget it was 3 hours long. Still great to see at an old movie palace. I met up with my other friend who came back into my life after years of not living in the same city and I appreciate him always. I ended up too drunk to do anything afterwards. I came home to fall asleep with a face mask on and barely a towel.